Every Mother’s Day I notice the absence of my mom. She has been gone for 6 years. And I miss her with a unique longing. But my grief lately is about missing her even when she was here, and her missing me, even when I was right in front of her.
We can’t see past our own hopes and fears, and we get in the way of really seeing each other.
I don’t blame my mom or fault her. I just see the pattern. I did some version of this at times with my own kids. It’s true that we will struggle to offer to others what we don’t have. It’s also true that what was done to us is what we do to ourselves and others.
Mothers create patterns in us; their imprint is like no other. They are the first welcoming committee that sets us up for all other welcomes. Whether we can receive true acceptance, belonging, and a strong sense of who we are, or not, is set in motion in our early days, but it is not set in stone (thank goodness).
I want to celebrate mothers this year by recognizing their humanity, imperfections, love, and healing nature. I continue to explore what it means to be a mother, now to grown children. I love being a mom more than anything else in the world. And I can’t imagine life any other way. I think being a mom has taught me how to be me. In some ways, my children have been the healing that I needed from my own childhood wounds. I learned more about love from my own children than from anyone else in the world.
Mothering and the art of welcoming.
I think one of the most powerful things a mother does is welcome us into the world. She nurtures our becoming. She introduces us to the world and introduces the world to us, through her lens, before we take our first breath. From there she introduces us to the home, the family, and other mothering influences and experiences that will shape us. We start out in her body, and in her world. Who she is, how she feels, moves, regulates her emotions, eats, breathes, cries, avoids, expresses, loves, recovers, and relaxes, is how we meet life. Even as her wounds can become our wounds, her healing can become our healing.
Sometimes a mother is still figuring out who she is as she figures out who her children are and what they need from her. Mothers must take care of themselves and little ones at the same time or things start to go sideways. It is a unique relationship, a sacred presence, a mysterious oneness until it is a separation and a series of letting go.
As mothers let go and launch their children into the world, she has an opportunity to relaunch herself. Before and after this “relaunch”, I would suggest that mothers usually need to mother themselves to keep up with all the giving they do. And this mothering is deeper than good self-care. It’s a particular relationship with themselves that holds and heals their own inner world.
My invitation for mothers is to see all your gifts and apply them to yourself:
You see the wounds and pain and bring remedies and soothing words. How are you doing that for yourself?
You nurture in a way that shapes and develops the mind, body, and spirit of your children. What does that look like for you to nurture you in this way?
You enable a true sense of identity and meaning. How are you enabling yourself to grow and find meaning where you are now?
Mothering is the art of listening long enough to really hear, watching long enough to really see, and being present enough to really know who this developing person is in front of you. How are you making space for this next stage of your becoming? Are you lingering long enough to see, hear, and know yourself?
When mothers are wounded healers:
Sometimes our own childhood wounding shows up when we become a mother and our identity shifts amidst the exhaustion and hormonal changes. If this is you, please be gentle with yourself as a new mother. I wonder if you can see yourself as both giver and receiver, welcomer and being welcomed, into your life. And if having a baby is bringing up emotional pain, then it might be time to consider birthing yourself alongside this child. Many women have done this. It is okay to ask for help. There are midwives who birth mothers as well as babes. Yes, ask for the help you need. There is so much grace for this season you are in.
And for all mothers celebrating Mother’s Day in the next days, I wish you the courage to look inward and mother yourself with the deeper-than-self-care that you need.
What you are willing to feel is what you can heal. And you are a healer.
Happy Mother’s Day
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