I hurt my really good friend’s feelings. And I really hate that. But magical things happened in it for me (and hopefully for her too) mainly because she is so awesome.
First of all, this little article on what to do when your feelings are hurt is about two people who trust each other. Other relationships require a different little article.
The way I see it, and what my friend modeled for me, is that responding to getting your feelings hurt, is like two sides of the same “hurt feelings” coin.
On the one side, hurt feelings are always valid. And it helps to say the things. What hurts and why. Asking for help with the hurt. Saying “you hurt me”. Allowing the other person (who hurt you) to meet you in your hurt-ness, and hold the pain with you. This side of the coin also assumes that the person who did the hurtful thing wants to know what they did or didn’t do, so they can do better.
If you have been hurt and you say so, it also gives the other person the opportunity to apologize, explain (if necessary; no excuses please), and invite any requests so they can repair. For me, I could feel the pain I caused and wanted to make it better. Two people co-regulating the pain they are both in, is amazing. Beautiful. Bonding. Even healing.
The other side of the coin is for you, the person hurt, not for the other. For you, there is a powerful opportunity to go inward with the emotion and see if it hit a tender place that already exists in you. You may find that you need comfort and a healing remedy for something that has been festering inside for a long time. It could go far back and really deep. Be gentle with yourself here. These emotions are just as valid.
Sometimes our getting hurt in the moment is about unresolved moments inside of us, tender places that are awakened by a new bruise. The tender place may come from a younger, less mature phase of life, and has a beautiful message for our adult selves. It’s as if the wound says, “I’m here with needs, can you help me?” and you the adult self with a bruise can say, “Oh ya, I feel this. I can see what you might need.” And the magic ensues when adult you gives younger you what was, and still is, needed.
Two sides of the “hurt feelings” coin.
Love and Peace!
Comments